Anaconda - Part 5
December 14th 2007 08:26
Category: No Category
Which side will have more deaths: Animals or Humans? It's going to be a wild match Bucket-Heads!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Bucket-Heads around the world! Tonight, a match that is certainly going to be a battle that will forever echo in the halls of history. Tonight, in this very ring, we will see two heavyweight contenders battle it out for the Death Toll Championship of the world! Tonight will be the:
DEATH COUNT BATTLE: HUMANS VS. ANIMALS!!!
The winner will be declared with the side that has the most fatalities. There will be blood, guts and plently of violence ahead in this long, painful match. So, for the thousands in attendance, and for the millions around the world, Bucket-Heads, LET’S GET RRRREADY TO RRRRRUMBLE!!!
DING DING DING!!!
Death #1: Random Hispanic Man.
Seems like the Humans have a head start! This man was going to die anyway on the account of our friendly Anaconda. However, this man in who is living in a station in the middle of the river ends his life before the snake can claim his. And it is a damn shame we couldn’t have this option either before the movie started!
Humans: 1. Animals: 0.
Death #2: Giant Carp.
The animals steal a point to tie in the game’s early going! The poor big fish didn’t stand a chance against our friend Mr. Sarone, who catches this poor sucker quicker than Vanilla Ice’s career when down the drain! And yes people, even fish count as animals. The animal kingdom is not as racist as the human kingdom.
Death #3: A Panther.
The animals add another to their scoreboard with the death of this poor big kitty cat. He gets killed by the deadly Anaconda, who squeezes him TIGTAH ZAN ANY LEEVAH! The poor cat’s eyes even pop out in this badly animated fight. And it’s a shame that Halle Berry didn’t play the role of the panther, actually it’s a shame that an Anaconda didn’t kill her in Catwoman.
Humans: 1. Animals: 2.
Death #4: Wild Boar.
This little pig should have stayed home! Instead he decides to stop Owen Wilson from banging his girl in the jungle and wants to gore their eyes out with its tusks! How do I know this? Sarone said so. No really, he did. This little pig take a bullet to the head and gets to feed the crew for a week. You know, I didn’t know a wild boar could feed over half a dozen people over a week. Interesting, but the fact remains the animals are in a very good lead over the humans!
Humans: 1. Animals: 3.
Death #5: A Wasp.
Again folks the animal kingdom counts all of God’s creatures equally and this little bugger (get it, cause it’s an insect!?) stepped up to bat for the animal team. This little guy is the dude who inside the red-haired guy’s OXYGEN TANK who managed to make THROUGH THE PIPES and into his MOUTHPIECE to sting him. No human died, but this little guy was killed by Sarone after he was removed. Animals now have a very good lead over the humans!
Humans: 1. Animals: 4.
Death #6: Mateo, the Boat Driver.
Finally the humans score points just over thirty minutes into the game with the death of our boat driver! Mateo is unfortunate enough to be the first victim of the Anaconda in the movie. This is what happens when you keep taking your clothes off throughout the movie. No seriously, when this guy is in a different scene he seems to be missing a different piece of clothing each time. Clothes on or not, Mateo scores for the humans!
Humans: 2. Animals: 4.
Death #7: A Monkey.
The animals fire back with another score for their team with the death of an innocent monkey. This poor guy is killed by Sarone as he is going to be used as bait while they fish for the Anaconda. The animals are in a good lead at the moment so let’s see if the humans will catch up!
Humans: 2. Animals: 5.
Death #8: Gary Dixon.
The humans get a point with the death of Owen Wilson’s character! While fishing for the Anaconda, Gary’s girl gets knocked into the river so he stupidity dives in after her. There’s plenty of fish in the ocean Gary, well in the river in this case, so you should have just left her go and found yourself another woman. Instead, Gary gets killed by the snake and leaves a very good ‘impression’ on its belly. Good job Gary!
Humans: 3. Animals: 5.
Death #9: Denise Kalberg.
Another point for the humans! This time, its Denise who scores for the team with her death all thanks to Mr. Sarone. It was going to be either him or her when Denise tries to kill the man responsible for her boyfriend’s death. Sarone takes no crap from no one, leaping up into the air and strangling Denise between his legs to score a point for the human team!
Humans: 4. Animals: 5.
Death #10: Warren Westridge.
I can’t believe it! A second point within two minutes! This is insane! Warren gets chased by our Anaconda friend up a waterfall, so he tries to jump off. Instead, the Anaconda catches him in midair and devours him. You won’t be removing any leeches from your scrotum where you’re going my friend! The humans are now tied with the animals!
Humans: 5. Animals: 5.
Death #11: The Anaconda.
Just as you though the humans were catching up, the animals pull out a quick one! This time, its our good friend the Anaconda that takes one for the team. Just after the deaths of Denise and Warren, J’Lo take her gun and shoots this bad boy dead which is a first for her. Normally, she would have done something else with the snake (OHHH I went there!). The animals are now back in the lead!
Humans: 5. Animals: 6.
Death #12: Another Monkey.
The animals add another to extend their lead! This time, another monkey is killed by Sarone to lure another Anaconda to his trap, which involves both J’Lo and Ice Cube. A quick death but its another point for the animals!
Humans: 5. Animals: 7.
Death #13: Paul Sarone.
The humans score one thanks for the death of Paul Sarone! This psycho gets killed by the same thing that he has been hunting throughout the entire movie. He gets squeezed TIGTAH ZAN ANY LEEVAH and his veins ASPLODE before we see him get eaten thanks to the wonders of oesophagus digital technology! Sarone gets spat back up by the Anaconda burning in stomach acids, a grand way to add onto the human’s tally!
Humans: 6. Animals: 7.
Death #14: Paul Sarone.
The humans score one thanks for the death of Paul Sarone! This psycho gets killed by the same thing that he has been hunting throughout the entire movie. He gets squeezed TIGTAH ZAN ANY LEEVAH and his veins ASPLODE before we see him get eaten thanks to the wonders of oesophagus digital technology! Sarone gets spat back up by the Anaconda burning in stomach acids, a grand way to add onto the human’s tally! This is close!
Humans: 6. Animals: 7.
Death #15: The Other Anaconda.
Just as you thought the humans were coming back, the animals shut down their game with minutes remaining on the clock! This was a tough goal but the animals managed to pull it off! This second big bad mo’fo of a reptile gets taken down old school! He get shoot, stabbed, blow up into the air and comes crashing down into the river on fire! But he lives! However, Ice Cube takes an axe to his head, scoring a very crucial point for the animals!
Humans: 6. Animals: 8.
BUZZ!!! IT’S OVER!!! ANIMALS WIN!!! ANIMALS WIN!!! What a game! This is going to go down in history! Eight animal deaths to six human deaths! What a close call! I hope we see a rematch people because I have a feeling we are going to see one in the near future! That’s all for tonight Bucket-Heads. Tune in tomorrow for the final thoughts on this delightfully terrible movie! Good night!
14 things dies in this movie, 8 are animals… what the HELL kind of horror is this meant to be!?
Batman: "Darn it Robin! The Animals beat the Humans, 8 - 6! I just lost a fortune because of those idiots!"
Robin: "Holy Bat Bullshit Batman! How the HELL can more animals die in a damn movie than humans? What the hell is up with that!?"
Batman: "I don't know ol' chum but I'm going to get my Bat-Sniper Rifle, climb to the highest peak and show those idiots how to die right! Come Robin! We don't have time to lose!"
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