Anaconda - Part 4
December 13th 2007 07:58
Category: No Category
Having a snake stuck on his finger might be painful for our friend but at least he doesn't have leeches on his scrotum... or did he?
It’s that time again Bucket-Heads to look back at the awesomely bad quotes that an awesomely bad movie have given us. Some quotes make us laugh as to how horrible they are. Other quotes make us take a brick to the head as they are so bad. Some make our heads explode as they are so damn stupid. I present to you,
THE WORST QUOTES IN ANACONDA!!!
And what better way to kick it off with a quote from our good friend, Mr. Paul Sarone.
“Eet wraps eetz COILS around yooo… TIGHTAH zan anny luvvah!” – Paul Sarone.
Sarone tells the documentary crew just what they are expect if they get caught by the deadly snake. I figured out what the last half of the sentence is. I think he says “tighter than any lever”. Why didn’t he say “tighter than any vice!” He could have stretched out the “c” so he could sound like a snake. See how much of a genius I am people? Rewriting quotes to make them even better.
“Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?” – Gary Dixon.
Dixon is played by Owen Wilson, and he wants to bang his girlfriend so he charms her with this lovely line. Here’s a fact about horror movie people, sex scenes NEVER turn out good. If someone mentions sex, they die. If someone starts to have sex, they die. After someone has sex, they’ll die. Wilson and his girlfriend almost “get it on” in the jungle but get attacked by a wild boar, and later on both die from the snake… as in the Anaconda. What did you think I meant? Oh… oh you sick, dirty freak!
“This river can kill you, in a thousand ways.” – Paul Sarone.
More wise words from our friendly priest/hunter/doctor psychopath. Let me tell you what is wrong from this quote. A river can’t kill a person in a thousand ways. The only way I know a river can kill someone is via drowning, that’s one way. What? He was implying that there are many things in the river that can kill you? Oh you mean like what? Piranhas? Yeah I thought those little violent dudes infested the river but in the movie, there are NOWHERE to be seen, at all. So the quote should have been:
“This river can kill you, in possibility more than one way but its most likely you’ll drown than anything else”.
It probably would have made more sense if he just said,
“There’s a thousand things that you kill you in the Amazon, watching this movie is just one of them.”
Let’s move onto more wise words from Paul Sarone shall we?
“You brought that snake! You brought that devil!” - Denise Kalberg
“There’s a devil inside everyone.” – Paul Sarone. *Proceeds to raise his eyebrows creepily*
I LOVE this scene. After Denise’s boyfriend Gary gets killed by the snake, Sarone comforts her with those words. Yes people, next time you know someone who just past away comfort them with the wise words of Mr. Sarone. I think the best thing about that quote is the way he proceeds to raise his eyebrows at her, grins and stares at her creepily.
“I could pay a tribesman to kill you. $50 should cover it.” – Warren Westridge.
“I can kill you for free.” – Danny Rich. *Taunts Warren by dragging his thumb across his neck*
“You and what army?” - Warren Westridge.
“Yo momma’s.” – Danny Rich.
There are SO many things wrong with this great, intellectual quote. Before we start, Warren is the British narrator and Danny is Ice Cube, and they are getting annoyed at each other, maybe its jungle fever. Warren says he’ll pay a tribe $50 to kill Ice Cube, now what the HELL are tribal people, who live off the land and probably have no idea what currency is, do with $50? And you’re just going to give them $50? What the hell can that buy for them? Then again, its $50 American and it could buy a lot in a South American country. Then again, its $50 American back then, it probably couldn’t buy them jack now (Oh snap! You feel that sting!?).
Danny replies back with “I can kill you for free”. Warren is talking about paying someone to kill Ice Cube so I don’t know why Ice Cube even suggested he would kill Warren for free. So Warren replies back with the old school “you and what army?” and Ice Cube replies back with the oh-so-intellectual come back “Yo momma’s!” Yes folks, the “yo momma” remark was just as lame back down as it is now. Here’s come more intellectual conversation between two characters:
“There's something down there.” - Gary Dixon.
“I know.” – Paul Sarone.
“No, I really MEAN it.” - Gary Dixon.
“I really mean it, too.” – Paul Sarone.
Gary gets scared while placing bombs on the river block because he saw something lurking in the water, so Sarone acknowledges that it is probably true. Sarone should know, he has hunted Anacondas in the past. But Gary thinks that Sarone thinks that he is making up stuff, so he HAS to tell him that he means it. Sarone thinks that Gary thinks that Sarone thinks that he doesn’t believe Gary, so he tells him that he REALLY means that he knows there is something down there. See how that works? Yeah… I’m confused as well.
“The last time I was in water like this I had to stay up all night picking leeches off of my scrotum.” - Warren Westridge.
I did NOT need to know that the British dude got leeches on his scrotum the last time he walked around a river. I did not need to have the image of some middle-aged British dude screaming in pain as he rips off the blood-sucking black slugs off his sagging scrotum. And if I got that image into your head, GOOD. You can share my misery. And now, my final and my favourite quote.
“This film was supposed to be my big break, and it turned out to be a big disaster.” – Terry Flores.
Terry is played by J’Lo. See I don’t know if she is talking in character or talking out of character. If this film, Anaconda, was meant to be J’Lo’s big break it failed, pretty much like every single one of her damn movies that followed. It would have been awesome if this quote was mention in G… G… Gilgi! *VOMIT* Sorry, my bad. I can’t help it.
And so ends another round of terrible movie quotes. Come back tomorrow for our final installment which is going to be the greatest show down in the history of movie!
Still got the image of Warren removing leeches from his scrotum? I bet you do now!
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