Anaconda - Part 3
December 12th 2007 08:54
Category: No Category
Answer me this: Would YOU pick up this guy during a storm in the middle of the night? Yeah... I probably would as well.
When we were all kids growing up in our homes we wanted to be a whole range of things when we grew up. Some of us wanted to be doctors so we could save lives. Some of us wanted to be animal hunters capturing wild beasts and bringing them back to cities so thousands of people can see them. Some of us wanted to be priests, hey there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting to be a priest people can preach about God if they want!
There’s a huge list of occupations that one could pick from, but did anyone every think to themselves:
“I’m gonna be a priest with a medical degree that will go out into the wild jungles of the Amazon to hunt dangerous snakes! At the same time, I’m going to be a ruthless, cold hearted, cynical and sly murderer who will stop at nothing in order to achieve fame, fortune and glory! And while doing this I’m going to butcher the English language!”
You didn’t? Well I did at least once in my life just as did our next subject. Bucket-Heads, allow me to introduce you to:
PAUL SARONE!!!
Paul is our bad guy, never mind the snake that’s trying to kill everyone. Sarone probably kills just as many people in this film as the snake. Why you ask? He is trying to hunt the Anaconda and it willing to put everyone’s life at risk in order to achieve his goal. He also claims to be a priest AND a doctor, so I don’t know why he would want to kill people in order to capture an animal. Let’s take a look at the story of one Paul Sarone.
Our innocent documentary crew’s sailing down the river when a wild, dark storm hits when they see Sarone stuck on his broken-down boat, so the cheery documentary team decide to give this guy a lift. Let’s just pause for a moment shall we before we continue. Answer me this, why should you never pick up a stranger in the middle of a storm? NEVER if your in a damn movie. Whenever someone gets stuck during a storm in the middle of the night they end up killing everyone! Let’s continue.
Sarone introduces himself as some priest, and says he can help the crew find the hidden tribe because they saved his life once for some random reason. He catches a HUGE fish, gets into an argument with the red-haired crew member about the tribe then saved Owen Wilson and his chick from a wild boar. Yeah, Wilson and the chick he was about to bang get attacked by a wild boar and Sarone saves them.
The next day, Sarone gives J’Lo some creepy stares (which are totally awesome) then saves the life red-haired guy who’s under the river with his diving gear on. Why did he need saving? It turns out there was a WASP in his OXYGEN TANK that made it THROUGH THE PIPES and into his MOUTHPIECE where he stung him in the throat. Sarone cuts a hole in the guy’s throat, sticks a straw in it and saves him informing us that he was a doctor. He ends up taking over the boat, and this is when he gets dangerous! (Duh duh duh!)
After blowing up a river block, Sarone takes Ice Cube and the Mexican Boat Driver to an abandoned boat. Sarone takes some stuff with Ice Cube but Mexican Boat Driver gets killed by the snake. Sarone tells the crew about the Anaconda and how he is going to catch it, and how they will all help him. He informs them about what the snake can do. He tells them:
“Eet wraps eetz COILS around yooo… TIGHTAH zan anny luvvah!”
Yeah I can’t make out anything in the last half of that sentence. For a second I thought he was about to turn into Bill Cosby. He says that their bones will BREAK and their veins ASPLODE! No I didn't spell that wrong, that is how he pronounced it. I think this guy is meant to be South American or something. It’s pretty funny hearing him talk all pissed off and angry but hard to take him seriously. Owen Wilson decides to help out Sarone, but gets killed by the snake as they fish for him on the river.
Yeah that’s right, they tied a dead monkey on the end of a crane and fished for the snake like someone ties a worm to a hook and fishes for… fish? Amazingly, it worked and I now know if I want to go fishing for snakes I will kill a monkey and use it as bait. When Wilson dies, his girl gets pissed off at Sarone, but Sarone gives her some comforting words and raises his creepy eyes at her and smiles, then stares down J’Lo again. J’Lo has had enough, and ties up Sarone with the help of Ice Cube and the British guy, who’s the narrator of the crew. The fool! He fell for the old "Oh Mistah! I'm so horny for joo! Make love to me now!" trick! Pretty stupid for a priest with a medical degree who hunts snakes for a living huh?
Sarone then tells J’Lo about his evil plans. It turns out that they whole thing was a set up, from his wrecked boat, to finding the other wrecked boat, even planting the WASP in the OXYGEN TANK that made it THROUGH THE PIPES and into the MOUTHPIECE so it could sting the red-haired guy's throat. He is one damn sick, twisted, evil, cold hearted Priest/Doctor/Hunter guy!
The boat gets stuck, big surprise there, and the snake comes back to attack them, again another big surprise. While everyone is fighting the snake, Owen’s Wilson’s chick wants to kill Sarone for causing his death. Don’t worry Bucket-Heads, turns out Sarone is a five star athlete as well. He leaps up at least four meters into the air like he was Neo from the Matrix, wraps his legs around her neck and strangles her to death! When everyone’s done fighting the snake, Sarone attacks them but the red-haired dork, who has been recovering the whole time from his little surgery, shoots him. Poor Sarone falls into the river and sinks to his watery grave… or does he?
Hell no! You think you’re just going to take out someone who’s a member of the ministry, someone that has a medical degree, someone who has ventured into the wild to hunt the most dangerous creatures in the world is going to go down THAT easy? He comes back and captures both J’Lo and Ice Cube to use them as bait so he can capture the snake (as well as ending their terrible singing and acting careers. Oh I went there again people!)
But alas, it seems that someone with so many evil talents has one ultimate weakness, the Hollywood ending. Sarone ends up getting trapped in his own trap (the irony) and the snake wraps eetz COILS around him TIGHTAH zan anny luvvah and breaks his bones and makes his veins ASPLODE, before eating him. R.I.P Paul Sarone…
BUT WAIT! He comes back? How? Remember what the movie told us about how Anacondas love to kill so much that they’ll regurgitate what they’ve just eaten to kill again? Yup, poor Sarone gets spat up and while on his knees burning in stomach acids, he has enough strength in him to give J’Lo one last creepy stare!
And so ends the sad tale of Paul Sarone, the priest with a medical degree who was so focused on his hunt for the Anaconda that he murdered anyone that got in his way. Tune in tomorrow when we dive into the Bucket and swim around in a pile of crappy quotes!
Kids, if you’re planning to be a Priest/Doctor/Hunter combination please don’t… just be something normal like a Fireman, a Police Officer, or a mortician.
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