Anaconda - Part 2
December 11th 2007 13:12
Category: No Category
Oh the humanity! Look at them trying to act! Thy Lord haveth forsaken thee!
This might come as a surprise to many people but I am actually a highly trained mathematician. Oh yeah, if this is a shock to I apologise for keeping this secret hidden. In fact I am a special mathematician that specializing in Hollywood Aerodynamically Psychics. This might sound bizarre to many people but my formulas involve how well a movie is going to be based on certain elements. One formula that is extremely famous is the “Singer-Turned-Actor Formula”. It is as follows:
STA(s) x Bucket of Crap = X. (X being the goodness of the movie).
So, let’s apply it to Anaconda.
2 x Bucket of Crap = OVERFLOW!!!
Yes people, someone decided it would be awesome if not one, but TWO singers (bad ones at that) would be cast in the SAME movie. Our next section for Anaconda Bucket-Heads:
THE DYNAMIC DUO OF J’LO & ICE CUBE!!!
When I was searching in the video store for horrible movies to watch, I grabbed this one straight away not for the fact that I’ve heard this was a terrible movie, but it had Jennifer Lopaz and Ice Cube staring in the same movie. Let’s take a look at Ms. Lopaz first.
Jenny from the Block plays Terri Flores. I think she’s the director of the documentary crew or something. J’Lo’s acting really shines in the first few moments of the movie I mean, it’s probably her best work in any movie that she’s every been in. You should check it out. I’m serious! I’m not making this up! I would say around the 20 minute mark is when she starts to act horribly? Why? Because she gets more than one line to say.
See before she started to open her big mouth she was great. It’s further on in the movie that she starts talking, well its more trying to scream actually. Just listen to it when you watch this movie (and I encourage you not to waste your time with this movie). Whenever the snake pops up out of the water, she screams. When someone gets hurt, she screams. When she’s tying her shoelaces, cooking breakfast, combing her hair or putting on her make-up, she screams. That is all she does in this movie is scream, and when she isn’t screaming she’s talking too soft. Or maybe she is talking normal but from the amount of screaming that she’s done it’s probably damaged my ears… just like her singing, (Damn right, I went there!)
Up next is Ice Cube, who acts just as bad as his fellow singer co-star. Ice Cube plays cameraman Danny Rich, who has got to be the most cowardly ghetto person I’ve ever seen in a movie. This guy is all mouth and when it comes to him stepping up to the plate he backs down. The only time he does anything in this movie is when someone turns their back to him, or when he has ten of his buddies backing him up.
The only thing that Ice Cube does in the movie that is worth any credit is hacking at the snake at the end of the movie with an axe, only after it was stabbed, netted, shot and set on fire earlier. As for Lopaz, she just runs around screaming for no reason at all. Sadly, these two idiots and the red-haired crew member who Lopaz was banging in a previous relationship survive this disaster movie.
So how did this movie help out the acting careers of these two singers? J’Lo would move on to bigger and better films like, The Cell? No? Well what about Maid in Manhattan? Hmm Shall We Dance? Umm… Gilgi? *VOMIT* Sorry, I have a habit of doing that whenever that last movie is mentioned. Well let’s look at Ice Cube. He moved onto some very good movies like umm Three Kings, but ended up in some bad ones like Are We There Yet 1 AND 2, and XXX 2, and Ghosts of Mars… ok fine! Yeah he moved onto one good movie, and then appeared in a lot more crap ones.
So see how my formula works? It proved that casting two singers in a movie is a terrible idea. You hire a singer to sing, you hire an actor to act. Some singers can’t act and some actors can’t sing, and some can’t do either one good. And speaking of bad acting, well maybe just bad character development, come back tomorrow when I examine the mysterious Priest / Hunter / Doctor / Psychopath / Butcher of the English Language known as Paul Sarone.
Come to think about it, J’Lo and Ice Cube can’t sing either. What ARE they good for anyway?
| 48 |
| Vote |
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by James Rickard
unlucky_ fishermen.com
Angling Fish
Comment by Wayne F
Bucket Movies