Anaconda - Final Thoughts
December 15th 2007 12:10
To View Past Anaconda Posts, Click The Following Links:
Part 1 – Anaconda Edu-mah-cation
Part 2 – 2 Singers 1 Movie = Bad
Part 3 – Father Dr. Paul Sarone, Psychotic Hunter Extraordinaire
Part 5 – Death Count Battle: Humans vs. Animals
Ah the wonderfully crap movie that was Anaconda. So bad, so very bad. It still makes me sick that critics would go as far as comparing it to a great movie like Jaws, even saying that Anaconda is “Jaws but on the Amazon River”. Where do I start?
The Loathes:
I hated every single one of the characters in the movie, and I think I hate all the actors that were in the film as well, with J’Lo by far takes the Bucket. She is a terrible actor and nothing is going to change that. Watch any movie that she is in, and she tries to act just as much as she tries to sing. Relating back to characters, they were way too genetic. A Hot female, a stupid female character no one likes, a nerd, a ghetto gangsta, a random Hispanic dude, an arrogant British guy and the evil bad guy who will do anything he can to win.
Next on the list has to be the Anacondas. They looked terrible, both the robotic ones and the animated ones. I hate how Hollywood makes every snake in every movie totally unrealistic. I even hate how they decided to make information up about the creatures as well, referring to the whole “spit up their food to kill again” bullcrap.
And speaking of bullcrap, I you have to love how someone can manage to place a wasp inside an OXYGEN TANK that manages to make THROUGH THE PIPES and into the MOUTHPIECE of someone in order to sting their throat. You might be thinking it could be slightly possible if the wasp was tiny, but the wasp that was in the tank was a HUGE thing, I’m talking like a little bird. I really hate unrealistic crap like this. Yeah it’s a movie I know and I like sci-fi and fantasy movie a lot, (which are totally unrealistic I know) but at least those movies (well the most of them) make things look as real as they can.
You know what else I hated, only 6 people died. SIX PEOPLE DIED! More animals died than humans I mean come on! If I watch a horror movie I want to see EVERYONE die, even the main character if possible. There must be lots of deaths yet all I see are dead monkeys and panthers and snakes. And if people die I want them to be the damn annoying ones! I HATE it when annoying characters in movies or TV don't die. If I hate them, kill the character off before I do.
The Likes:
I laughed so hard when they showed Sarone getting eaten by the Anaconda thanks to a “throat camera” inside the snake. It looked like a reverse birth scene or something. That was priceless. The final death scene in the movie involving Sarone getting spewed back up by the snake was also priceless.
The one thing I liked about this film was the character of Paul Sarone. I know he was a terrible part in the movie, but for me to say that he was more enjoyable than anything in the movie is a sad thing. I think I have to give it up to the actor who played him, Jon Voight. It looked like he was the only person to take his role seriously. You have to love his creepy facial expressions and those creepy eyes of his, as well as the way he speak.
The Script / Plot:
A Documentary Crew attempts to find an ancient, lost tribe in the Amazon. While joining down the river, they tumble across a stranger who wishes to hunt for the deadly anaconda. Chaos and death soon follow as everyone is taken on a wild, deadly adventure as the crew have to deal with this dangerous hunter, a dangerous snake and the dangers of the Amazon River.
Or is it:
A crazy Priest/Doctor/Hunter psychopath takes over a boat and its crew, an innocent group of people trying to make a documentary on the Amazon River. He uses them in order to capture the Amazon’s most dangerous creature: the Anaconda!
Honestly I have no idea of what the movie is about. I have a general idea but its not clear. It’s either one or the other. This movie bounced all over the damn place. First there was focus on the crew, then too much focus on the bad guy, then back on the crew then back on the bad guy and so on. They should have focused on one aspect of the film and that’s it. All I know is that there was a giant snake that was killing everyone, and a guy who wanted to capture it. Everyone else should have just sat in the boat playing cards for the rest of the movie.
As for the script itself, it was terrible. I don't even need to explain why just go watch the movie for yourself. It's just a bunch of genetic garbage that
The Actors:
We know that I think Jon Voight played the role of Paul Sarone well enough that I enjoyed the character. J’Lo had to be the worst of the bunch. Like I said, all she did was run around the boat screaming and when she tried to be serious she spoke to soft. Ice Cube was ok at what he normally plays, and that’s some gangsta thug who’s gonna kick ass. As for everyone else, they were just boring. If Paul Sarone was played by someone who was bad at acting this movie would have been more pathetic than what it already was.
The Changes:
Hmm I don’t know how I would change this movie. I think I would probably change the plot to make it more consistent. I’d throw the whole crappy documentary team thing out of the door, replacing them with a team of expert hunters who are going to capture, or at least track down a legendary anaconda. This anaconda would probably be that huge thing Sarone was chasing around the whole film, it would make a lot more sense than to just say ALL anacondas are the damn same.
If I had to keep all the characters and keep the same plot going, here is the kill order for characters:
J’Lo, The Red-Haired Nerd, Owen Wilson, Wilson’s chick, the British Dude, and finally Ice Cube.
Paul Sarone and his friend, Mateo the Hispanic boat driver, will live, capture the snake and make a fortune, but Sarone would kill poor Mateo because he is awesome.
Final Thoughts:
This movie sucked, period. It was boring from start to finish. The characters were weak and you know a movie has problems if they are focusing too much on the bad guy than anyone else. None of the characters had any time to develop so the only likable character is Paul Sarone.
I really don’t know why producers of movies would go out and hire singers to act. I’ve said it before in a previous post, singers sing and actors act. Neither one should be doing the other thing if they are good in their field. I think a few singers have pulled off a very good acting career but it’s rare to find.
I think the worst thing about this movie is the fact that they made a sequel called Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. See what they did there? They added an ‘s’ on anaconda implying there’s going to be more than one bullcrap snake. From what I hear, this movie is slightly better than the first, so in my eyes it is going to be slightly less crappy. Look forward to this review in the future.
Actually, now that I think about it I don’t know what the hell the deal is with all of these horrible snake movies. Snakes on a Plane, Boa, Python, Boa vs. Python… the list goes on. You have to love how Hollywood turns something like a snake into a deadly human killing machine. Watch this movie if you're a big fan of horrible snake movies because this is one of the greatest.
And so ends another Bucket review Bucket-Heads. Anaconda is going into the Bucket, forever scaring our memories with the image of a middle-aged man removing leeches off his scrotum. Oh? You had just gotten that image out of your head but I just put it back in to your minds? My work is done then!
Batman: "Well old chum we've defeated the nasty Jennifer Lopaz and her army of giant snakes, but I fear that there a more giant reptiles ahead!"
Robin: "Holy Crocodile Crap Batman! What could be more worst than a bad singer trying to act and a bunch of crappy animated snakes!?"
Batman: "How about komodos!? Giant komodos! With a curse! The Curse of the Komodo!"
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