The Bucket Presents: Alone in the Dark
June 8th 2008 23:43
Category: A
Oh right back at you asshole, right back at you...
There was a game that came out many years ago called Alone in the Dark. It was an ok game, it set the way for a lot of survival horror games that became huge such as Resident Evil and Silent Hill. Actually, I don’t even know if Alone in the Dark was hugely popular but I know that there were a lot more games that followed in the series. One day, someone had the idea to turn this video game into a movie. They figured “Hey, if this game as a lot of series in its title it has to make a good movie!”
Yes that is right my Bucket Heads – Uwe Boll was this person and you all know how much I hate that son of a bitch. I apologise to Mrs. Boll for calling her a bitch but that is how much her son has pissed me and millions of video game fans and movie buffs around the world. So Uwe Boll gets the funding for his movie – as usual thanks for that little German law – and produces another heap of crap that I am proud to present to you today.
How bad was it you ask? It couldn’t be as bad as Bloodrayne 1 and 2 could it? Well yeah it wasn’t as bad as those two movie but trust me, it was terrible. Sit back, relax, get yourself a drink and get ready to groan and shudder in pain as Uwe Boll once again butchers the big screen.
You know if you asked Uwe Boll if the man to the left in the Ford t-shirt is part of his production crew that was stupid enough to get caught in the footage, the world's worst director would probably challenge you to a boxing match.
The movie opens up with a long ass explanation about a Native American civilization called the Abkani that suddenly disappeared. They left a bunch of artifacts behind so the U.S Government sets up an organization called Bureau 713 to find the artifacts. A professor called Hudgens began some screwed up experiments on children called “Sleepers”. After the ten minute introduction we go to some kid running around a field with the army trying to find him. Hudgens talks to a nun about taking the children from their orphanage. One of the children has gone missing (the one that was running around before) and is hiding in a high voltage generator. The cops show up at the orphanage and take away all the children while the boy begins seeing creatures.
We skip forward twenty-two years later and the boy grows up to be Christian Slater. Edward Carnby – Slater’s character – is on a plane freaks out some kid about being alone in the dark! Oh Boll you’re clever to make a reference to the title of the movie! We go to a ship and Hudgens is now an old man now. They find one of the artifacts in the ocean while Edward is narrating to the audience about everything he can do; including how he’s memory got erased. He pulls out a white stone and talks to the taxi driver. He tells him he investigates ghosts and stuff. Edward notices the taxi has been following them so he tries to lose them.
There’s a car chase and they get rammed a few times. They drive through an alley and the bad guy slams them into a van. Edward gets out of the taxi and chases him up a gate, pouncing on him from a rooftop. The bad guy takes the stone, the two brawl in a store and Edward smashes a jar over the bad guy’s head. He gets the stone back and Edward takes a cop’s gun. Edward shoots at the bad guy a few times but they have no effect on him. The bad guy jumps on Edward and chokes him, so Edward flips him over and impales him on a steel strike. By the way about 99% of that scene – from the chase to the death – was done in slow motion. I’m sure you could have fried up a steak to well-done, made some nice roast potatoes and gravy to go with it, and came back to find them still getting chased.
At a museum there’s a worker called Aline Cedrac played by the once hot Tara Reid. Aline gets a delivery and it’s an Abkani artifact. Back at the city Edward is walking around an alley and stops when he hears something but heads to his home which is some storage warehouse. He gets messages from someone about nightmares. He looks at the artifacts he got and finds some ivory ring. Edward takes apart the golden ring thing and dusts it off. He adds the symbols on his computer. Meanwhile, the men on Hudgens’ ship take over – because the huge box they pulled out of the ocean was made of gold – and break it open. It unleashes some curse that effects Edward and a bunch of other random people around America.
Oh poor Tara Reid. Doesn't anyone remember the days when she didn't look like a saggy leather sofa?
People start leaving their houses saddening and go walking off like zombies. Aline is in the museum and she hears a bunch of weird noises. Hudgens has an axe and walks out onto the deck of the ship to find everyone dead and the chest is empty. Alas, there is a hidden compartment in the chest containing a small artifact! At Bureau 713 they track a bunch of readings all over America. Aline gets a call from Hudgens and he gets pissed off she is looking at the artifact that was delivered. Edward has a dream of the night he was taken away. He gets a message on his phone from someone who says his friend John walked out of their house and disappeared.
Edward talks to the audience about opening a gate to join the side of the darkness and get powers. He thinks the orphans have fallen to the darkness. Edward heads back to the orphanage from where he came from and the old nun greets him. He talks to her about what happened and asks for her help and how he wants to find the others. He finds out they’ve all disappeared. Edward used to work for Bureau 713 so he gets his friend inside the Bureau still to get him the information he needs.
Edward visits Aline at the museum, they hug. Aline says she misses Edward, and punches him in the face. What a bitch. Edward shows her the artifact he got and she confirms it’s an Abkani. They say all the pieces have been spread out all over the world. The power goes out in the museum and they investigate. A security guard hears noises while Tara has trouble acting. Something runs past the guard. It comes up from behind and kills him. Edward and Aline find the dead guard and start running for no reason. The monster starts chasing them and they go into a closet. They lock the door with the key as it tries to smash through. Yes, I’m sure a tiny little key is going to hold back something as big as this.
Agents from Bureau 713 move into the museum and just start randomly shooting the entire place up. An agent called Burke talks to Edward and, they get into a fight. Edward steals his keycard and heads back to Aline. Edward’s friend in the Bureau is doing an autopsy on a dead guy. He pulls out some bug thing from his spinal cord. The scanner is giving a reading and it tracks onto Edward. Hudgens is back in the museum and gets surprised about the finding of Edward’s artifact.
Edward has a bug on his spine that was fried when he was a kid. Hudgens has a monster trapped in a cell in his lab. He pokes it with a huge pole and takes a blood sample. He injects its blood into him. The creatures are called Zenos. They are weak against thing like… gold. Yes gold. They live in the dark and hate the light. They use special bullets on them and bright lights. How do I know this? Edward tells us like he tells us everything. Edward heads home, scans the area and begins talking to us about the artifacts. Edward gets undressed and goes to bed.
I don't know why Christian Slater is looking so happy. Not only is he about to get eatten by an alien, this movie has become a stain on his acting career.
Aline heads to Edward’s house and finds him asleep. Burke is pissed off at Edward’s friend for talking to Edward. Edward wakes up, sees Aline, and they bang to "7 Seconds” by Youssou N'Dour & Neneh Cherry. Thank God the song is good because it saved a terrible sex scene – come on when have you SEEN a good sex scene in a Uwe Boll film? Need I remind you about Bloodrayne? Yeah… people jumping up and down on the spot. Anyway, Hudgens heads to Edward’s Bureau friend’s house and kills him and his wife, and sticks a bug down his throat.
Aline and Edward talks about the artifact and the stars to locate places. They find some area on the map. The lights flicker in his home so something is coming. He walks around and his friend John attacks him. He shoots and kills him and more people come after them. The Zeno aliens start showing up and Edward and Aline run. The lights go out and they start shooting up the place. It’s just dark but when people shoot their guns there’s flashes of light. This is a pretty bad scene and I can’t see anything but slow motion shots being fired by Edward. The Bureau joins in the fight and everyone just starts shooting blindly. Burke walks in and wants to take Edward in but more zombies start attacking, so the Bureau attacks them with rocket launchers. Yes… they are taking it to the extreme now Bucket Heads.
Some agents are on the upper floor and I can’t keep up with the action anymore. Finally there are no more zombie people, who have very bad make up, and Burke tells Edward that Hudgens and his friend are missing. They go with them and lock the place down. They head to the abandon gold mine where Hudgens has his lab and Burke acts like a asshole to everyone wanting the defenses set up all quick. Edward sees something and everyone follows him while for the next five minutes we get to see the army set up their defenses. The generator is up and running and Edward finds the Abkani symbols on the ceiling. One of the agents falls through a trapdoor and lands on some spikes.
Hudgens watches Bureau 713 from the forest and unleashes the Zenos. Everyone gets ready for a fight. Edward’s friend is now a zombie, who runs at the guy standing near the generator and blows up a grenade. The monsters charge and everyone start shooting up the place. The guys are going down the tunnel to get the dead guy on the spikes and start running down the tunnel as the ceiling falls in. One girl breaks her leg as Zenos are winning the battle above. Edward, Aline and Burke are in a tunnel full of skulls. They find a Abkani warning about being dead if they are alive.
Senseless shooting, no plot, bad script, slow motion - for a minute I thought I was watching Ecks vs. Sever again.
A Zeno jumps on a helicopter and takes it down. A bug travels through the sand and bites the woman with the broken leg. Everyone starts shooting the ground and the woman dies. A Zeno comes up from behind someone and rips him in half. While everyone is dying from the battle, Edward blows up a door in the mine. Some soldier sees a chick with her face split in half, I laugh, and then he dies. Edward, Aline and Burke finds the lab in the mine and they find it was where Edward was taken for the experiments. Hudgens had implanted the bugs in the kids. Realising that Bureau 713 was responsible for creating the experiment Burke gets pissed off.
They find a hidden passage with a sealed off door. They get the artifact and it is a key that unlocks the door. They decide not to open it and Hudgens kills one of the agents. Edward was the reason why the Bureau 713 shut down. They give him the key and he puts in the final piece. Burke throws the knife into Hudgens chest perfectly and the door opens. It leads to a cave and there’s Zenos all over the place. Wow it’s really dark I can’t see anything. They get out and seal the door shut. They try to contact the people outside but everyone is dead. Burke wants to blow the place up but his bomb isn’t working, so he goes back to set it up.
Burke goes back to the cave and starts shooting the place up, gets a bag and grabs the bomb. He sets it for five seconds while Edward and Aline get the hell out of there. They come out of the basement where the orphanage was. Edward enters the house, finds the nun dead on the floor and all the children are missing. Edward sits down and Aline comforts him. The two go back to the city to find it completely abandoned. Edward and Aline walk around the place and Edward says this is just what happened to the Abkani. Something rushes up on our heroes from behind, the screen cuts to black and that’s the end of the movie.
That’s it. The end. Uwe Boll proves to the world once again that not only can he make a crap movie but he has no idea how to end his movie. You have to love how he just cuts to the credits without any conclusion what so ever. On that note I shall depart and wish you all a safe and fun week. I’ll be back Friday for the Final Thoughts and Mr. Boll is going to cope one hell of a lashing from me.
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