Alone in the Dark - Final Thoughts
June 13th 2008 07:22
Category: A
To View The Full Synopsis Of This Movie, Click This Link!
It is movie number three by Uwe Boll that’s made it to this website and who wouldn’t argue that he doesn’t deserve a special award from me? I’ll be working on something special for Mr. Uwe Boll one day so you can all look forward to that. He loves to turn not so popular video games into movies, which turns into not so popular films. So what was it about Alone in the Dark that made this movie really suck? Let’s find out.
The Loathes:
I have never, ever, seen a movie where the only thing I understood was the ten minute introduction that described to the audience what the movie was about. You know the thing I always assumed about movies was that it was start off random, and then it develops into something that the audience understands (most of the time). This movie just went “Here’s what this movie is about” and followed it up by “Now let’s completely forget that whole first ten minutes and just go back to random thing”.
Here’s a thing – when thinking about turning a video game into a movie why would you go with something that about 99.99% of the population haven’t heard of before? That only thing that I knew about this game was the name – and I thought it was another game that I played ages ago. I have no idea what the hell this game is about and the movie made it even more confusing. Hell I wouldn’t have known it was based on a video game if it didn’t say it was during the credits.
So this is what the game Alone in the Dark is about. You play as Edward (the main character in the movie) who goes to a mansion to collect a piano. You get trapped, fight monsters and solve the mystery about why the owner of the mansion killed himself. That’s it. In the movie Edward was some special agent who dealt with the monsters, had a screwed up experiment done to him and he goes around finding artifacts. There is nothing similar about this movie to the game besides the name of the character. Thank God this crap sounding game paved the way for better horror games like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. My point is, if you’re going to make a movie based on a video game you might want to make it a lot like the game besides the name of the main character.
Speaking of horror games I have played my fair share of horror-survival games in the past and they all have one thing in common – they have scared the shit out of me. Silent Hill made me shit myself and Resident Evil, man I can’t begin to count how many times I changed my underwear because of those zombies. This movie, if it WAS a horror, should have had that horror feel to it. This was no horror nor did it have any elements of horror – it was a very bad action movie. Why am I complaining for anyway? Boll didn’t base the movie 100% on the game so why would I expect that idiot to stick with the horror theme?
I know the movie is called “Alone in the Dark” but did Boll really have to set the movie IN the dark? There were scenes that were so dark I didn’t know what the hell I was looking at. The only way I knew what was going on was listening to the character talk about what was going on. That confused me even more, for if I could not see what was going on how the HELL did they see what was going on without any source of LIGHT!?
Here’s something else that made the movie suck – the amount of minutes wasted on useless crap. Want an example? Let’s start with the ten minute introduction that went nowhere since characters kept mentioning the same thing over and over again (that being the ten minute introduction about what the movie was about). Another example is the boring sex scene between Christian Slater and Tara Reid. Boll said it himself that if a movie is going bad, sex scenes make it better. Yeah… cause that really saved Bloodrayne and this film huh? Another good example of time wasted was how Bureau 713 was setting up the defenses. They showed them setting up every single person doing basically everything – from hammering in a nail to loading a gun one bullet at a time. It was time wasted that should have gone towards developing, or even FORMING, a storyline.
The Likes:
Oh poor Tara. She was the only good thing about this movie and now she isn’t even enough to save any movie. How it made me cry tears of joy seeing how you were once so beautiful.
The Plot / Script:
According to the start of this movie, the film is about some guy who was part of some experiment involves these creatures called Zenos who live in the dark. There was some ancient native Indian tribe that was wiped off the face of the world and umm… yeah. That was it. That is the only thing I understood about this terrible movie.
No I am not joking here Bucket Heads I did not know what the hell this movie was about. If they had not added in ten minutes of introduction at the start I would have absolutely no idea about what the hell was going on. I wonder why they added that part in anyway? Why would Boll do something so stupid like that? Oh I know – BECAUSE THE TEST AUDIENCE HAD NO CLUE WHAT THE MOVIE WAS ABOUT EITHER!!!
That’s right; the test audience was completely confused as to what the HELL was going on in that movie so that added in the ten minutes of bullshit at the start to try and clear thing up. If you haven’t seen this movie yet – and after reading this I pray you never do – I want you to skip the introduction and just watch the movie. Tell me if it makes any sense to you what so ever. Even if you see the introduction it doesn’t matter since the movie went nowhere. They explained nothing, nothing at all. Don’t worry that’s Boll style he never explains anything and just randomly ends his movies without conclusions – which he done in this movie as well.
The Actors:
When you get a guy like Christian Slater to star in a movie like this you know it’s going to lead to something bad. I’m sorry but that last good movie that I have seen him in was Interview with a Vampire, and he wasn’t even in that movie for long. They also had that guy, Stephen Dorff, who was in Fear Dot Com (reviewed here) and then you have Tara Reid, as hot as she used to be couldn’t act to keep a boat from sinking. Everyone else sucked pretty bad as well so there wasn’t a hint of talent in this pool of sewerage.
Final Thoughts:
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; Uwe Boll should just stop making movies and take up a job at 7-11. He would be doing everyone a damn favour because at the way he is going he is headed to an assassination attempt. He used to get money from a little thing the German Government done but since they stopped I have no idea how the hell he is getting all of this funding. It amazes me someone would pay to have him make a movie.
This movie had no direction at all. If I had to describe this movie in one would I would call it a massacre. It was a total mess from the pathetic way the storyline was told to audiences from the start right up to the ending that left hundreds of questions without answers. It is definitely up there in my top five movies that I really hate, and that is hard to get. Yeah I’ve hated movies before but this one was really bad.
I would suggest you watch this in order to know what not to do when making a movie. Don’t watch this if you are a fan of Alone in the Dark, and don’t watch this if you’re a horror fan. The movie is nothing like the game, it is nothing like a horror movie and well… it’s everything that Uwe Boll movie is.
That’s all from me this week Bucket Heads. I’ll have a new movie plucked fresh out of the Bucket and ready for you’re enjoyment next week. Until then take care of yourselves and enjoy the weekend.
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